1990s College Fire Drill
By Danielle Miceli
Characters: Resident Assistant 1, Resident Assistant 2, Student
(Fire drill siren rings. Resident Assistant 1, Resident Assistant 2, and Student run out of dorm to lawn. Resident Assistant 1 and Resident Assistant 2 each have several key loops around their necks and key coils on their wrists and arms. It is excessive.)
Resident Assitant 1
Okay, everyone, just make sure you are as far away from the building as possible and line up near the front of the lawn! I think I’ve got all my keys.
Resident Assistant 2 (competitively)
I have keys, too.
Resident Assistant 1
Yeah, of course you have keys, you are a resident assistant at a college in the 1990s!
Student (to Resident Assistant 1)
Hey, resident assistant at a college in the 1990s, how are your keys?
Resident Assistant 1
Really good! And plentiful! Thanks for asking! Because I have all these keys on coils and neck ropes we will all DEFINITELY get back into our dorm after the fire drill!
Resident Assistant 2 (as if psychotic)
You really think so? I have more keys than you! Maybe only MY students will get back into THEIR dorm!
Student
1990s resident ssistant number 1, is that true?!
Resident Assistant 1 (to Resident Assistant 2)
Hey, resident assitant 2, please keep your competitive key thing to yourself! (to Student) No, pathetic 90s college student, it is not true! Just because I have less keys, it does not mean that we will not get into our dorm after the unnecessary fire drill! And, now, while we are out here waiting for the bell to ring, we can enjoy the crisp fall evening.
Student (romantically)
With the wind blowing through the changing colored leaves on the trees?
Resident Assitant 1
Yes, the wind is blowing through the multi-colored leaves on the trees and sweeping down toward our Birkenstocks and cargo pants!
Resident Assistant 2
Hey, I want to stay out here near the colored tree thing, too! But, I have more keys than you, so I have a greater responsibility to make sure I use them to get my students back into our dorm.
Resident Assistant 1
What do you mean? We will all get back into our dorms.
Resident Assistant 2
Well, since I have more key ropes and key arm coils than you do, I will, indeed get back into my dorm and you, apparently, with your 4 key neck ropes and 2 arm key coils will NOT! I, myself, have 6 key neck ropes and 5 arm key coils, and therefore will be in my dorm shortly while you will have to remain in the wilderness.
Student (to Resident Assistant 2)
Yeah, but, at least, we will get to enjoy the fall night weather being "stranded" out here.
Resident Assitant 2 (pouting)
I know!. It’s unfair! I hate you all! I wish I had less keys!
Student
Psycho 1990s resident assistant, I do not think you should really hate us. We are all out here right now enjoying the whistling wind and rustic, woodsy smells of the autumn night and when the bell rings again we will ALL be walking back to our dorms AND letting ourselves in with our keys.
Resident Assistant 1
Yeah, and it does not matter how many keys you have….just as long as you have the key that opens the front door.
Resident Assistant 2
Really?
Resident Assistant 1
Yes, really.
Resident Assitant 2
Oh, cool. Then should I just toss these car keys for my mom’s Range Rover?
Resident Assistant 1 and Student
NO!
Student
You can keep them all. Having your mother's car key will not affect your ability to get into and out of the dorm.
Resident Assistant 2
Cool. Let’s all sing an Ani Di Franco song now.
All
Cool! Cool!
“Fuck you! And your untouchable face! Fuck you! For existing in the first place!”
(Resident Assistant 2 proudly jingles her arm key coils as she sings.)