Big Yogurt Blues
By Danielle Miceli
Characters: Girl, Yogurt
(Girl is looking glum in her apartment getting up from her couch sluggishly and just making it to the fridge. She opens it and pulls out an extra-large plain yogurt container. Suddenly, there is a poof of smoke and a huge, human-sized plain yogurt container that can talk is in front of her.)
Girl
What?! Are you….a yogurt?
Yogurt
Yes. And, I know how much I depress you in the large size.
Girl
How….? How do you know that?
Yogurt
I just do. That’s why all that water collects on the top of my flesh when you leave me in the fridge. They are yogurt tears.
Girl
Wow! I thought I was the only one who had tears about you, Mr. Yogurt. You mean, you cry about yourself?
Yogurt
Yes. I mean, don’t you think I know how annoying it is to have to buy industrial-sized yogurt? You’re on a budget, right?
(Girl starts tearing up.)
Girl
Yes. I try to come up with interesting yogurt ideas for me and you, but I just start to get really depressed after a while. I mean, you’re plain and…… I don’t know.
Yogurt
Well, I am sort of insulted, but……. So, how have you been using me outside of the container? I mean, a large-sized yogurt does get curious about these things once you spoon us out.
Girl
Well, I did parfait recently.
Yogurt
Ooh! Ouch! Seriously?
Girl
Well, yeah. I mean I layered you with fancy cherry preserves, but, I don’t know. I had to put you in a Ziploc and you just looked all mushed up in there.
Yogurt
Huh. Well, I am flattered that you chose the cherry.
Girl
Oh, sure. I also mixed you with lime juice and put you on a soft taco.
Yogurt
Really? Wow, Mexican? Hm. Well, was there hot sauce? Did I get burned?
Girl
Well, I wouldn’t really say you were burned. I mean, that’s not really how it works. You actually sort of ease the burn of the hot sauce. But, yes, there was hot sauce.
Yogurt
Wow, I feel so worldly. I mean, you know, when I’m not in the fridge in this container.
Girl
Yeah, I can see that.
Yogurt
So, what else have you used me as?
Girl
I recently put you in a pumpkin pie recipe.
Yogurt
Did I make it creamy?
Girl
Yes, it was nice. You know, Yogurt, I think it’s all good. I mean I kind of like what I did with you for food.
Plus, you are affordable.
Yogurt
Whew! I’m glad. Wanna make out before I poof back into the fridge?
Girl
No, I’m too depressed. That huge Costco hummus is bothering me now.
(Costco hummus poofs out of the fridge to life-sized version that can speak.)
Girl
Wow, hummus!
Hummus
That’s right. Don’t knock me. I’m not just the economy size, but I have pesto swirls in me. (getting angry) Just end this melancholy right now or I will stone you. (Takes out a stone.) Plus, you haven’t even showered yet and you’re not wearing a bra. Do that and you will feel better, miss. And, stop raging at value-sized items!