Louise Lasser Interview: My Tannis Obsession
By Danielle Miceli
(Characters: Louise Lasser, Interviewer)
Interviewer
Ms. Lasser, so nice to meet you.
Louise Lasser
Thank you.
Interviewer
You are known mostly for your role on the TV show, “Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman,” and for early Woody Allen films, and for being the former wife of Mr. Allen.
Louise Lasser
Yes.
Interviewer
Louise, what is it like to love Tannis root so much?
Louise Lasser
How did you know? Is it obvious? I did not know that it was publicly known.
Interviewer
Yes, it is very much common knowledge that you have an obsession with Tannis root from the film, Rosemary’s Baby.
Louise Lasser
Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Yes! (starts crying) It is true.
Interviewer
It is also rumored that you have tried to grow tannis in your own home even though in the film it was acknowledged that it is not even a grow-able herb. It was actually a fungus.
Louise Lasser
Oh, god. Are you recording this? I don’t want to be found out.
Interviewer
Yes, I am recording. This is information people are demanding to know!
Louise Lasser
Well, I mean. This is very private. Tannis, as you know, is the devil’s power herb.
Interviewer
Yes, that was obvious in the film Rosemary’s Baby that starred your ex-husband, Woody Allen’s, next wife, the lovely and more-famous-than-you, Mia Farrow.
Louise Lasser
Yes, it’s true. Tannis was the star of Rosemary’s Baby with Ruth Gordon.
Interviewer
Rosemary’s Baby with Ruth Gordon? The stars of that movie were Mia Farrow and John Cassavetes, but yes, of course, Ruth Gordon won the Oscar for her role in that film.
Louise Lasser
Well, in my ex-wife opinion, Tannis was the star of the film. That is why I now grow it. I also gave some of it to Mia Farrow at a holiday party once in a heart-shaped locket. I thought it was a nicer sentiment that the random ball-shaped casing in the film. I also gave some to Soon-Yi in some Japanese tea and to Scarlett Johanssen at a movie premiere. I left out Woody’s sister Letty Aronson because I don’t feel a-scared of her as much and we were both in the recent Woody Allen documentary.
Interviewer
A-scared? Louise, it sounds to me like you are trying to murder the women who are now considered more significant in Mr. Allen’s life. I mean, everyone knows that Tannis root does not even exist.
Louise Lasser
I grow the fungus. It’s a fungus.
Interviewer
According to the film, it was a fictional name given to some kind of foul smelling fungus. But, you are claiming to actually have access to the satanic fungus available in the kitchen of Ruth Gordon in the film.
Louise Lasser
I grow the fungus now. I admit it. It’s not illegal.
Interviewer
Where do you grow it, Ms. Lasser?
Louise Lasser
I grow it in my Camille Paglia books. Vamps and Tramps has the most growth of the set. Sexual Personae did pretty well, too…..but, not Sex, Art, and American Culture. I also grow some in Kitty Kelley unauthorized biography of Frank Sinatra, My Way.
Interviewer
A Frank Sinatra biography? Hm. There does seem to be a theme of competition or jealousy here. Frank Sinatra was Mia Farrow’s husband before Mr. Allen.
Louise Lasser
You got me. I am a jealous tannis farmer. (satanically) Would you like some to bring home to your wife? I have some in the other room.
Interviewer
I’m gay, but what results will it have?
Louise Lasser
Well, Mia Farrow became a hippie, Soon-Yi gave up tea (much to the chagrin of the Japanese American community), and Scarlett Johanssen wound up at a dive-y piano bar in the village. So, it’s not too potent yet, but I’m working on it.
Inteviewer
Hm. Well, I would like to give some to my ex-boyfriend to make him switch from spandex cute undies to boxers when he is at his pool.
Louise Lasser
That is about the potency of it. You can have some if you want.
Interviewer
Okay, cool! So, I just put it in a locket or something?
Louise Lasser
You can make Tannis brownies. It might work better that way.
Interviewer
Gee, thanks! Well, Ms. Lasser, thanks for the witchcraft. Regarding your career, it was really interesting while it lasted. I have a friend who still remembers you from when It’s a Living was Working for a Living and I loved those braids on Mary Hartman. You looked so Aryan.
Louise Lasser
Well, I am Jewish. (meanly) “Lasser!”
Interviewer
Oh, right. Cool braids though.
Louise Lasser
Thanks. Keep in touch. You can come over sometime for a game of Aryan Match Point tennis. Tennis, not tannis this time.
Interviewer
That sounds homicidally scary, but thanks! Great talking to you.
(Lights out.)